LYRICS
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(nah, nah, etc)

I once saw a lassie of beauty so pure
That with only one look I was perfectly sure
The love of my life could only be her
So I purposed to pledge her my troth.

I strode right up to her with moves debonair
And drank in the fragrance of her lustrous hair
She blinded my eyes with her beauty so fair
And that's when I opened my mouth:

Phthbt. Uhmm. D'umyu cuoum heerofn?

She said,
Get lost you idiot, there's drool on your face!
Just you keep your distance or I'll get my Mace(tm).
She left me so fast it looked just like a race
And the fragrance was her only trace.

Oh! Hi diddle diddle de day...
She makes me tongue tied and me mind go away
I wish that I could be a man of her sorts
But my true love she gives me brain farts

(nah, nah, etc)

Well, I'm not some loser who settles for no
I tracked down the number of her telephone
I gave her a ring, heard her dulcet “Hello?”
And I opened my mouth and intoned:

Phthbt. Msnf wlyu mmmmbe onf um daaate?

She said,
Hang up, you stalker, now this isn't fun!
Don't ever call back or I'll dial 9-1-1 (or 9-9-9 as appropriate)
And then with a click my true love was gone
And I cursed at my treacherous tongue.

Oh! Hi diddle diddle de day...
She makes me tongue tied and me mind go away
I wish that I could be a man of her sorts
But my true love she gives me brain farts

(nah, nah, etc)

So I went to the gypsy to buy me a draught
Of something that wouldna make me sound so daft
She gave me a potion called “old Number Nine”
For some silver to her hand from mine.

I drank the stuff down, felt me confidence grow
I felt like a winner from my head to my toe
I strode right up to her with moves debonair
And said to the lassie so fair:

[smooooothly... like Barry White]
Hey baby, what's happenin'?

She just stood there smiling with drool on her chin
And a slack-jawed expression inviting flies in
I thought, “She looks stupid; besides, she's too thin!
There are much better women to win!”

(nah, nah, etc)

Now she follows me 'round everywhere that I turn
She's been such a nuisance she makes me blood burn
She bumbles and sputters and makes such a show
That me appetite's starting to go

Oh! Hi diddle diddle de day...
She acts like a fool and she gets in me way
I wish someone would come and haul off this tart
'Cause she's cramping my style... with her brain farts